Observations About Dating & Marriage

Think about it. If you are single, after graduation there isn't one occasion where people celebrate you ... Hallmark doesn't make a "congratulations, you didn't marry the wrong guy" card. And where's the flatware for going on vacation alone? - Sex in the City

I am addicted to a certain online meeting forum! Searching for those I considered friends and those who were acquaintances has been interesting. Seeing where people are in their lives is interesting to say the least. Tonight I became "friends" with someone I went to highschool with and discovered that although we are exactly the same age give or take a few months, she is not only a mother but now a grandmother - at 41! I don't know why I find that hard to reconcile - that's not exactly true - at 41, I haven't been married and have no human children. Most everyone I know has not only been married but are on a second or third marriage. They say the grass is greener on the other side - my question is "on the other side of what?" There are many times that I feel like I am missing out on something bigger than myself - the love and respect of a decent man, the unconditional love of a child - but I have come to believe there is a reason I haven't followed the first comes love, second comes marriage equation. I don't know that reason but I know there is one, I think...




The act of dating has always confounded me. It just seems predictable in so many ways. Boy meets girl, boy asks girl out, girl says yes, girl ends up in bed with boy and so on and so on. Somewhere in there they realize time is running out, get engaged and married. Historians and sociologist might attribute modern dating rituals to a time when only the strongest and most fit survived. Millions of years ago women paired with tall men with broad shoulders to ensure hearty progeny and men paired with women with ample breasts and hips who would be capable of carrying and feeding his children.

Today, we meet our prospective partners in bars, supermarkets, churches and parks. We no longer simply pick the most hearty of the pack. He or she has to "bring something to the table". A high-income career, luxury auto, a home or homes. Everyone is a Mrs. First Name Maiden Name Married Name. Hi, I'm Mrs. Mary James Smith.

In my 20's, being different was a dating asset. It made me interesting. I was the dancer, the person most people I grew up with thought of as most likely to end up in a Broadway show. I went off to college, ok way off, several states off, and settled in a few major metropolitan cities. When you are young and idealistic as I was, you don't really think of settling down or children. While I was hoofing it and waiting table until I got my big break, having fun in the village or scraping together subway fare, most of my peers were living the "straight and narrow" in our hometown, going to college or tech school, dating their high school boy or girlfriend and eventually getting married and starting a family. All before 25.

Now, it sometimes seems, those differences come off as eccentricities. When asked if I am married or have children, why is it when my answer is no, the next question is "are you gay?" Why is it if I am not someones baby mama - I have to be gay? No one ever says, well you must surely be discriminating if you haven't taken the plunge yet, good for you! The world really doesn't need one more divorce/broken home statistic! Yea for you! No, I simply must be gay.

As a black woman, I have found dating sometimes exhausting if not exasperating. I am attracted to many types of men of many ethnicities. To me, a good looking man is a good looking man. It's all the particulars that muck up that simplicity. I once dated and fell head over heals in love with a man who was of Caucasian and pacific Islander heritage. His parents liked me well enough but ultimately I wasn't what they envisioned as daughter in law material at least that is the way I see it. We parted ways in a not so stellar way - I got the equivalent of the Carrie Bradshaw sticky note electronically. For a very long time, I ruminated almost to obsession on what I could have done to make things go in my favor. Although my rational mind knew and understood there was nothing I could have done, my ego still smarted from the rejection.

I've become far more introspective since that relationship. I actually went through the seven stages of grief one experiences with the death of a loved one. After all, something I had invested a great deal of emotional energy in, had died. First, I was shocked that HE dumped ME. I was in denial hoping that the breakup was just a phase. Then I was hurt and guilty thinking that if I had only tried harder I could have made a doomed long distance relationship work. Next, I was angry, how dare he treat me this way, screw him, who the hell is he? Depression and loneliness followed with lots of wine and tears. I couldn't watch the shows we enjoyed together or listen to music we both liked without a blubber fest ensuing. Slowly I began to function again emotionally. And finally, acceptance and hope. Acceptance that not only had a man I deeply cared for moved on but that eventually I too would. Eventually.

While I haven't met or even gone out with mr. anything in a while, and there certainly is no such thing as a "sex life", my life is much richer in spite of and because of my past relationships. I wouldn't be the person I am now without those experiences; good, bad and ugly. My life has been enhanced by the people I love and some very good friends. I know I am capable of many great things. I learned that I love animals far more than I ever thought possible - 5 dogs and a cat. I've become ok with "fending for myself", landscaping my yard and all those things other women hire someone to take care of. I won't lie though, I miss the smell of cologne on a man's collar, the scruff of his beard at the end of the day, the silly butterflies I get just simply thinking about him, but hey, if it is true that there is a pot for every lid or vice versa, then there is a lid or pot out there somewhere - only time will tell.